Mom has accepted the real me.

I am learning to accept the real her.

Recently, I listened to Wan Weigang talk about people-pleasing. He quoted a line:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

This is often attributed to Dr. Seuss. When I looked it up afterward, though, its source turned out to be uncertain.

Setting aside who said it, the line does speak directly to people who are always worrying about what others think of them.

As I listened, the first person I thought of was Mom.

PART 01

She has not forced me to live the way she thinks I should.

Mom is probably the person in this world most able to accept me as I really am. Of course, she has an idea of the son she hoped for: someone whose life goes smoothly, whose career goes a little better, whose life is a little more settled. Most of all, she wants me to be healthy.

I haven't entirely become the person she imagined. Freelancing, painting, photography, writing: over the years, I've kept trying different things. She may not understand all of them, and she worries, but she has never insisted that I must live according to her ideas.

She has her own way of reminding me of things. When she sees news or something on WeChat Channels that worries her, she forwards it to me. Some of it I don't want to watch; some of her worries seem unnecessary to me. Sometimes she reminds me of the same thing more than once.

I used to feel uncomfortable when these messages arrived. I'd think: here she goes, worrying again, trying to pass that worry on to me. Sometimes I'd want to correct her, or simply stop her from sending any more.

Gradually, I realized that stopping her wasn't much use. She would still worry and still express it in her usual way. That didn't depend entirely on whether I had explained myself clearly enough.

PART 02

Looking at two things separately

Now I try to separate the two.

What I don't necessarily need to do

I don't have to watch the video, and I don't have to follow the advice.

What is worth knowing

When she does this, what she has in mind is that I might be a little safer and take a few fewer wrong turns. Her way of expressing it may make me uncomfortable, but the care behind it is real.

I also have an idea of the mother I wish I had. I wish she would take in less negative information, worry a little less, and not keep bringing risks that haven't happened yet into her everyday life. Ideally, she'd feel more at ease and better understand what I'm doing now.

But she has no obligation to become the person I expect, either.

PART 03

On the things that matter most, we have always been on the same side.

We have both reached the ages we are now. It's hard for her to change me completely, and I'm unlikely to remake her. Continuing to argue about every video and every reminder only leaves us both feeling bad.

These days, I keep a distance from my parents that feels comfortable to me. We live our own lives, and I go back for a meal once a week. Seeing them go out from time to time, still healthy and in good spirits, feels pretty good.

They want me to eat well, stay healthy, and have things go a little more smoothly. I want them to enjoy a peaceful, healthy old age. In the details of daily life, of course we'll still disagree. We may also keep expressing our concern in ways the other person doesn't particularly like.

But on the things that matter most, we have always been on the same side.

Text card one

So when I return to that quote, I think "those who matter don't mind" makes it sound a little too easy.

Of course the people who matter mind. Precisely because they care, they worry, remind you of things, and have expectations of you. Yet in the end, they are still willing to accept that you haven't become the person they imagined.

This is roughly what I now understand by looking at someone's intentions. I accept the goodwill; I still decide for myself how to live. At the same time, I allow Mom to keep being a mother in her own familiar way, without requiring her to become the mother in my imagination.

Text card two

The next time she sends a video I don't particularly want to watch, I probably still won't watch it carefully to the end. But when I go back at the weekend, we'll eat together and chat as usual.

I know what she's worried about, and she knows I'll live in my own way.

She has accepted the real me.

I am learning to accept the real her.

Tee Sang